Matters of Life and Death

To make ourselves feel better when we're overwhelmed with a decision, we like to say "It's not like it's a matter of life and death." But, in some way almost everything we choose to do will affect our lives. It would be nice to believe in predestination, or fate, which at times I do. How could something I choose to do ever be a matter of life and death. It almost seems irresponsible for God to have given me free will. I'm indecisive, yet for all the time I take in making a decision, it doesn't usually feel like the right one. When bad things happen to good people, was it because of a decision they made or something they did? Should our quest be to make better decisions and do better things? Most of us try, I think. At least I do. Maybe too hard. The best choices are the ones that don't take long at all. It's like a gentle breeze sways you in the right direction. Life goes smoothly, and you are confident. Inevitably, the sailing doesn't go too smoothly, waves are choppy, and you have to figure out what to do again. Couldn't another one of those gentle breezes come to the rescue? Unless, the choppiness is all in your head, as is the gentle breeze. We are our own obstacles? Thinking it's a matter of life and death is our obstacle. If we each have an eternal soul, then we can afford to flow gently on the breeze in this life, since dying sooner would only mean a physical death. But, what about the work we're supposed to do? What if a seemingly insignificant choice leads to an untimely demise, and the universe gets a bit off kilter? Whenever we hear of an untimely death, things seem unsettled and unfair. Is all as it should be anyway? When I was two, I went to my Aunt's funeral. She looked like Sleeping Beauty to me. Everyone was upset, but I wanted to say "She's just asleep and she looks beautiful." I've since been to funerals, and none of the corpses even looked like the people I knew, who had clearly gone somewhere else. But back then, I could still see her. She was peaceful. It was perhaps a gift to me in childhood. I didn't have to notice her departure. I wasn't supposed to be sad or afraid. I want that gift again, especially as I age. Is anyone able to deal with death as well as I did when I was two? Perhaps the truly enlightened. Maybe I was enlightened and then forgot. I wonder what made it go away. At times, life offers a little hint of my old peacefulness. It was a time when life felt endless and death didn't exist even if I was staring at it.