Up for Debate

To me, every aspect of life is debatable. It's a great learning experience, a debate. I look at everything from both sides before I figure out which side of the fence I'm on. Of course, sometimes it's preferable to stay on my side of the fence. Simply smile and wave at my opponent on his side. Let's agree to disagree is what I find myself inclined to say to much of the world these days. Nobody wants to have a nice open-minded debate. How do I learn anything from them? I get shut out. End of conversation. Too bad we'll never come to a conclusion. No meeting in the middle. Not one step toward each other. If you want it that way, I'll build my fence good and strong. You would have poisoned me with your closed-mindedness, anyway. No loss, I guess. Uh huh, YOU LOSE! I can take what I want from you. I've learned plenty about your single faceted world. You'll never know mine. Your only value, in your stubbornness is you. You in your tiny little world. Never opening up. When someone really special comes along with a world changing idea I'll be ready to debate it and weigh its validity. You'll shut it out and be left out. Stay on your side of the fence. That's how you want it.

Will I be like that, when I'm finished searching? Are you my goal? Am I always conversing just so I won't be like you? Living in a tiny group of people that agree with me. Is that what you're supposed to want? Is that peaceful and happy closed-mindedness? Why do I even consider you as a valid being? You would shun me for not being part of your group, yet I don't hate you. Maybe you found the answer for you. Perhaps you have won a happy life behind your fence. I wait to put up a fence until I know what I'm fencing out. Yours is a preventative measure. Is it just for me, or for everyone?

I've Lost My Muchness

Sad as it is, I've lost my muchness. I didn't even realize I had it until it was lost. Can I have it back? Please? I asked nicely, but it won't come. Muchness must be harder to get back once you've lost it than to keep while you have it. Of course, if I didn't notice when or how I lost it, perhaps I lost it because of neglect. I was paying too much attention to other things. A bit of selfishness, or at least self-awareness is necessary in life. Self-preservation was never my strong suit. It's more fun to focus on other people. Of course, once I lost my muchness, it became hard not to focus on anything else, thus diminishing my ability to help others. It's a catch 22. A matter of balance in life. As a Libra, I should be better at balancing. If I ever get it back, I'll be more appreciative of it. I wonder where it went. Did my kids steal it? Is it a required sacrifice when you have children? Probably another part of motherhood that nobody tells you about beforehand. If they each took a little at a time, that would explain why I don't remember how I lost it. It would make more sense to get a bit more muchness with each child, since each requires much of you. I tried to make up for lacking muchness with caffeine, but apparently my muchness was connected to my ability to process caffeine properly. Interdependent traits are very troublesome. The Cheshire cat must be responsible for such trickery. Sleeping more doesn't seem to help, either. Of course, more for me is still not up to par. My muchness also took with it my exercise capability, and has left asthma in its place. I am grateful that I can write. I have high hopes that the writing will improve. Perhaps my muchness is still there, but shifting toward how it was meant to be used. I screwed around with what I wanted to do with it, but it wants to write. Yes, my muchness will be found when I attempt to fill a blank page.

This one's for my single follower. Happy Birthday fricken!

http://frickencoop.blogspot.com/

My Idol, My Self

Last night, I jokingly posted a comment on twitter that the people you follow are your twitter genetic blueprint. I follow a few musicians, each with distinctively different musical styles (optimistically emotional, sad and angry, fun and Halloweeny) an old writer, a yogi, a health food store, a screen writing group, and a few charity groups. They pretty much encompass my psyche. I'm missing a scientific group and a film group. Add those two, and I'm almost done. When I look at the eclectic mix objectively, I realize why I'm so indecisive. I have almost too varied a twitter blueprint to make one cohesive identity, one job, one lifestyle. I have no objection to these varied aspects of my nature, but to be productive and move forward, I need to let one dominate. The one I want to dominate might not be the most practical or beneficial one. Perhaps they each need a day of the week devoted to their strength. Would that diffuse each too much? By not letting one take over, I lose them all? Mom says if I believe in everything, I essentially believe in nothing. What of the Alpha and the Omega being one in the same? As for my finite life, one must dominate. It's just a time-constraint. I'd like to live long enough to get to do one of everything, though. A screenplay, a book, a song, a documentary, an independent film, a non-profit organization, a cure, and for fun... lots and lots of concerts. Then my kids will see every possibility. I need more time and energy.

Matters of Life and Death

To make ourselves feel better when we're overwhelmed with a decision, we like to say "It's not like it's a matter of life and death." But, in some way almost everything we choose to do will affect our lives. It would be nice to believe in predestination, or fate, which at times I do. How could something I choose to do ever be a matter of life and death. It almost seems irresponsible for God to have given me free will. I'm indecisive, yet for all the time I take in making a decision, it doesn't usually feel like the right one. When bad things happen to good people, was it because of a decision they made or something they did? Should our quest be to make better decisions and do better things? Most of us try, I think. At least I do. Maybe too hard. The best choices are the ones that don't take long at all. It's like a gentle breeze sways you in the right direction. Life goes smoothly, and you are confident. Inevitably, the sailing doesn't go too smoothly, waves are choppy, and you have to figure out what to do again. Couldn't another one of those gentle breezes come to the rescue? Unless, the choppiness is all in your head, as is the gentle breeze. We are our own obstacles? Thinking it's a matter of life and death is our obstacle. If we each have an eternal soul, then we can afford to flow gently on the breeze in this life, since dying sooner would only mean a physical death. But, what about the work we're supposed to do? What if a seemingly insignificant choice leads to an untimely demise, and the universe gets a bit off kilter? Whenever we hear of an untimely death, things seem unsettled and unfair. Is all as it should be anyway? When I was two, I went to my Aunt's funeral. She looked like Sleeping Beauty to me. Everyone was upset, but I wanted to say "She's just asleep and she looks beautiful." I've since been to funerals, and none of the corpses even looked like the people I knew, who had clearly gone somewhere else. But back then, I could still see her. She was peaceful. It was perhaps a gift to me in childhood. I didn't have to notice her departure. I wasn't supposed to be sad or afraid. I want that gift again, especially as I age. Is anyone able to deal with death as well as I did when I was two? Perhaps the truly enlightened. Maybe I was enlightened and then forgot. I wonder what made it go away. At times, life offers a little hint of my old peacefulness. It was a time when life felt endless and death didn't exist even if I was staring at it.

What Am I So Angry About?

I am a huge fan of the band Thirty Seconds to Mars. During a live version of the song "Closer to the Edge" at radio Sputnik that I found on You Tube (thank you, you tuber :) The lead singer had the crowd yell the refrain "No, No, No, No!" and on about the third yell, when they were good and riled up, he says "You're so angry. What are you so angry about." Very good question. When I went to the concerts, yelling "No, No, No, No!" was one of my favorite parts. I went to a Hole concert last week, and screaming along was half the fun there, too. As a teenager, I wished I hadn't had such a girly voice, so I could scream along with Kurt Cobain. If I could scream, especially if I were a guy who could scream, I would've tried to form a rock band. My husband doesn't really scream along at concerts like I do. What isn't he angry about? He happened to be born a white male. Not that there's a shortage of angry white men out there, but I can't deny that they are expected to have the most opportunities, or at least be more respected in our culture. I often think of a really great, world-changing idea, and try to figure out which distinguished male figure I could pitch it to, since that's how my idea will have the most influence. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty angry. I realize there are women out there who back their own ideas and achieve some progress. If I looked at the statistics, though, I'm sure I'd find them to be a small percentage compared to men. They'd definitely all be underpaid. It is sort of a cop-out to blame all of my anger on sexism. Or maybe that's what my male-dominated society would want me to believe. It's all my fault, right? I could've taken out that huge college loan that would take me twice as long to pay off with half the salary. I should have listened to all female bands and learned to like them as my role models (even though there are a tenth as many). I should have learned to adopt male qualities, then fought my way to the top of whatever male-dominated profession I wanted. (Did I mention my mannerisms and demeanor aren't unlike the character Meredith Gray on Gray's anatomy. Yes, I'm even clumsy.) When the world refuses to change, we often take on the task of changing ourselves. Fans of Thirty Seconds to Mars know and love their song "The Kill" which has the lyrics "I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now this is who I really am inside." This is who we really are, not that the world has accepted us yet. It would prefer we blame ourselves and change back. Yes, we are angry. Wish there were more of us. Now let's change things.