I Don't Really Feel Like Sharing

So... I recently realized how unfortunate it is that I don't enjoy sharing my viewpoints with the world. It began in my online college ethics class, where only one other poor sap ever agreed with me on any of the issues. It was the two of us against the harsh masses that bought into the greed and competition of our capitalistic society. We were rarely online at the same time, so we'd each log on separately, read the gang's posts against our previous comments, and scroll down in search of each other's tiny beam of light for the day. I often wonder where my classmate ended up. We never met in person, so I wouldn't even know her if I ran into her on the street. I'm back in that boat again, now posting on this new social media. I naively thought that since everyone has gotten a bit older and had many experiences, that there would be a few more who came to a similar phase of belief as myself. Instead, it's the same old exercise in futility. My ideals are met with the inevitable sound of crickets or opposition. I have found a few people with similar viewpoints. They're either related to me or from other countries. I'm definitely using a pen name for my novels.

Just a Suggestion

I'm back to post about a book I read over the summer, and would like to recommend, The Demon by Hubert Selby Jr. When I finished it (in only three days, which is a record for me) I felt like I'd been part of a suspense film. Most movies haven't drawn me in the way this book did. I can only hope to write that well one day, and to develop such a unique style as his. I also watched a documentary on Selby called "It/ll be better tomorrow". The title is a line from The Demon, so I was excited to read it. Selby simply threw himself into writing, because he had very little lung function and a lot of health problems, so it was all he felt he could do. I find him very inspirational. Since The Demon was only well received in Europe, most Americans have missed out on a great piece which actually pertains to them and their hopes of an 'American Dream'.

Throw in the Towel?

Is this my last post? Probably not. Should it be my last? Probably. I have been reading a bit more than writing lately. This is a good writing exercise, so I may return. Reading, and planning the plots of my bigger works have been much more fulfilling, though. I now have almost as many unpublished drafts as actual posts on here, so that pretty much says it all. I recommend that you read The Picture of Dorian Gray. It may be the best work of fiction I've ever read.

i think God is questioning my existence

there was a quote from a Christian group that said "i don't question your existence - God". now i'm wondering if when i'm having a bad day, or lacking energy, is it because God is questioning my existence? that could be the answer. i'm created in his likeness, so if i have days of low faith, maybe he has days of low faith in me as his creation. perhaps He thinks of scrapping the project that is me. "ugh! that's not how i wanted it to turn out at all, why is she just not quite right?" it's just like a stormy weather system that moves in, then passes. in the grand scheme of things, we're both glad that the other exists. there's bound to be a storm here and there along the way. afterwards, we can both sit and laugh about it, reminiscing about our "war stories"of those bad days in life. like old friends reuniting, we'll be cracking up about the things i thought, and what He actually meant, and how everybody got it just slightly wrong. secure, in a cabin by the fireplace in winter drinking cocoa together. He'll say "Hey, remember when you had that body that was hyper-reactive to this stuff? Okay, maybe that was sort of a cruel joke on my part. You had some fun with it, though, huh? No real harm done." nope, not at all, when i think about it.

i've gotta learn to fly so i can catch time

i've gotta learn to fly so i can catch time. maybe that's why dreams of flying are the happiest ones, except in the one where i was seemingly going faster than time. i hate missing things. if time and i were in sync i wouldn't miss anything, ever. of course, if i could go faster than time maybe i could catch even more. what speed is the goal here? i need to set a definitive speed that is the right one. no, it must change, be different at all times. i'll trick time, make it my bitch. it's a guy though, he's my male bitch....no misogyny here. someone called me time savvy once, but only when it had to do with money. i'll think of everything i want to do as money, then. it was probably more resentment toward the people who pay the crappy wages, though. they owe me my fifteen minutes...it only comes out to a couple bucks, anyway. my fifteen minutes isn't even worth a starbucks cafe mocha to them. if i could set my own wages, i'd earn a mocha in five minutes. whoa, i'm expensive. that's why i need to harness time.

Something New

New year, old me. I'd like to try something new this year. My writing has come to a sort of impasse. Perhaps in the spirit of self-acceptance I could learn to be comfortable with this and write within my own limits until I surpass myself. In order to improve, one must first enjoy acting as is. This is easier said than done, of course. Everybody wants to improve. The usual New Year's resolutions include all sorts of lofty expectations for oneself. While reaching for that ideal image, we miss the joy of being who we are at the moment. If we die tomorrow, we will never have reached the goal we were working toward, but if we enjoyed the work we did toward that goal, it won't matter. So, my goal is to enjoy the work. If the work I am doing isn't fun, then the goal won't be, either. I'm also letting go of my idea of usefulness. That will come simply in the doing. Here's to a fun year!